The process of coming to consider myself as no longer part of "Islam" has taken a few years.
To say it was psychologically traumatic is an understatement. It was agonising. Torturous. It has only been over the last few months that I have felt what can only be described as a sense of freedom.
Not only was I once wed to Islam, I also followed a Sheikh, with a tariqa which made the break even more tough. But that's another topic for another time.
As I've outlined so far, the whole question over dogs in Islam led me to understand the role of hadith in our understanding and approach to Islam. By examining how hadith were used to come up with crazy rulings about dogs and their place (and meaning) in this world, I came to see the weakness in all hadith. In short, it's a mix of Chinese Whispers combined with tall tales combined with lies and fabrications for political use.
By this point I had in my heart come to understand that hadith are a load of nonsense - they simply can not be how Allah would want us to form our approach to life until the end of time. Not only did it result in bizarre rulings against dogs but even stranger rulings such as breaking your wudhu (ablutions) when you touched your wife (I was a strict Shafi'i) and numerous other dumb rulings I followed.
So I rejected hadith. However, I still clung to the Quran. I still told myself, that all was OK as the Quran was still the word of God, preserved and was all that we needed.
Looking back, I simply could not deal with what was happening to me. My world was collapsing. I started to even question if how I was praying was actually how the Prophet & Companions used to pray. If the movements, etc. are all based on hadith and hearsay, then the chances are its not right.
On a mental level I did not expect this and did not want it. I wanted to just close my eyes and carry on as I was. For fuck's sake I've raised kids as strict Muslims, my wife is Muslim - this is not possible!
Every day was traumatic. Every prayer. Every time I took ghusl. Every time I attended Friday prayers and had to listen to a khutbah in Arabic of which I understood 10%. Every time I went to sleep. It was always there, eating at me - jabbing me in my sides.
After time, the Quran started to worry me. I have always had issues with the Quran. I never converted to Islam because of the Quran - to be honest it bored me. I would read it and the words would go in one ear and out the other. What I connected with was Muhammad, or who I thought he was.
So I revisited loads of old nagging questions I had from the Quran about its preservation, when and how it was compiled, why versions of it were burnt, what the point was in reading it in Arabic, why it spoke about slaves and beating wives and all the descriptions of hell....and how it was so peaceful and amazing on one hand, and on the other so cruel.
I researched a lot, with a new objectivity to try and work out what the Quran exactly was/is.
I initially came to the conclusion that the Quran was never meant to actually be a guiding book for all time - that it was a spoken revelation that was recorded as a recording, not as a holy book. But then the Quran talks of itself of a holy book which contradicts that idea. And even if I was right and the Quran was only meant as a recording then the fact it has become this holy book shows that what is 'Islam' is not what I believe it to be.
Some of the myths of the Quran I came to dispel, which totally contradicted what I was taught from my Sheikh and scholars I studied under in places inc. Syria, Jordan, Egypt, Turkey, Yemen and Saudi Arabia, include:
1/ The Quran is a word for word preserved document. There is now evidence showing this very clearly not the case. The early Qurans used no dots/dashes, etc. which has allowed for discrepancies to enter the Quran meaning we don't know whether the version we have today really is authentic. Abdullah Sameer used to preach the Quran online and has come to the same conclusion.
2/ The Quran is in pure, beautiful Arabic - it's a lot of Arabic but also uses lots of loan words from Aramaic and lots of borrowed words from Judaism and Christianity. Even the word "Jahannam" (hell) is not Arabic - check Hassan Radwan's blog on this. On top of this, in some places the language really is not beautiful....also beauty is completely subjective!!! Just because the Arabs say its the most beautiful Arabic language in the world does not mean it is. In places it's a jumbled mess and even has words with absolutely no meaning.
3/ The Quran should allow for different 'interpretations'. One of the things I used to do to defend the Quran was say that the different meanings and understandings of it is something merciful and beautiful. But when those interpretations lead to legalised rape, slavery, robbery, murder, looting, etc. then surely this makes no sense as a religion? It doesn't work. If the Quran came as a "clear" sign to mankind, then it's really let us all down I think.
4/ The Quran introduces mankind to Allah. Now this was a surprise for me. I was always under the impression that Muhammad brought us "Allah" but in fact Al Lah was a well established Arabic name for God which had been around for donkeys years. It meant The Most High and he was seen the as 'top God', i.e. the highest. Which blew my mind.
5/ The Quran clears up stories of the past. As a Muslim you are taught that Islam was sent to fix the errors of the pesky Christians and naughty Jews. So this explains why there is so much about Jesus, Moses, Abraham, etc. Looking at the stories closer though a lot of them just seem to be rehashed versions of old Jewish tales, Christian stories and local legends around the Kaaba. I never ever quite understood the whole idea that Jesus didn't die on the cross and was taken to heaven by Allah as a bit off-key. When you're in it, you can see this. When you're out it's obvious.
There are numerous issues with the Quran on all sorts of levels. Not only is it a mess as a book but even more messy is what has become the Muslims' understanding of what the Quran is. It's treated like a living holy being by Muslims - they'd kill to protect its honour. They do.
I don't now understand how and why God would expect mankind to be able to find any sort of guidance in what is known as "the Quran". It can lead one person to blissful states of ecstatic oneness with the Divine and another to chop of people's heads shouting "God is Great". That's not clear guidance for mankind - that's chaos.
I don't know what the Quran is anymore. It could be anything. I can't know. But what I do know, through analysis and reason, is that I can't rely on it to explain the universe to me or my relationship with God, if He's there.
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